Let's Play a Game: S&M and Kinky Sex Play The Right Way
It is estimated that somewhere between 5 to 10% of U.S. adults engage in S&M annually (June M. Reinisch, Ph.D. with Ruth Beasley, M.L.S (1990). But can s&m in the bedroom be harmful? The short answer is, "Yes." The longer answer? Maybe.
First, let's discuss what S&M actually means. Sadomasochism is generally defined as sexual behavior that involves getting pleasure from causing or feeling pain. When practiced by consenting partners, s&m or sex play can be enjoyable and pleasurable for all parties involved. With the popularization of the Fifty Shades of Grey novels and the upcoming film release coming up this Friday (note I have not read the novels or plan to see the film), I thought that s&m or kinky sex play might be important to address as people around America may be asking themselves, "Is it OK that I like this?"
S&M behavior in and of itself is not problem behavior if it exists between two (or more) consenting adults. For centuries people have engaged in some pretty kinky stuff. I like to think of "kinky" sex as existing on a continuum that ranges from the pretty benign (like pinching, light spanking, etc.) all the way to things like controlled asphyxiation, blood-letting and more.In great measure, the normalcy of these behaviors is largely determined by one's cultural experience, however marked distress or discomfort with one's sexual desires may be an indication that the support of a mental health counselor might be helpful. It should also be noted that healthy, kinky sex can only occur among consenting adults. Moreover, I like this quote from Dr. Chris Donaghue, a certified sex therapist and sexuality expert, from a thread on his Facebook page:
I practice from a paradigm of "benign sexual variance" which demonstrates how what's "sexual" is neutral and impact is contextual. Rape and abuse are about lack of empathy, boundaries, impulse control etc...Healthy sex does not leave individuals feeling diminished and abused (unless that is a "chosen" component and therefore consented and conscious and part of arousal).
If you choose to engage in s&m (or sadomasochism) as part of your sex play be sure to:
Play with someone you trust who knows your likes, dislikes and comfort levels.
Have a safe word or designated safe behavior mutually agreed upon before engaging in kinky sex for all parties involved.
Discuss strict boundaries and rules beforehand. This can prevent unintentional injury, uncomfortable feelings or worse. Some cases of S&M sex play have even led to accidental death.
My sex positive view is, if you're going to engage in kinky sex, be sure to talk to your partner(s). If you're unsure if your thoughts or behavior are healthy or not, consult with a local mental health professional for ongoing support.Play safe and be healthy!
Interested in more reading on this topic? Check out the articles below: