Liquid Courage and 'Hooking up' in SELF Magazine
In what feels like a lifetime ago, I was a national educator on sexual assault prevention. As a young man just out of college it was an incredibly challenging and rewarding job. I was able to speak to survivors, college students, military personnel and participate in research that helped reduce myths men have about sexual assault. I still think about the good work we did with the job. I’ve also given presentations and workshops on healthy consent in local high schools so these ideas and concepts are still very much important to me. Unfortunately, as a society we still have so much work to do in this area to help reduce sex-based violence.
Now as a full time mental health provider I continue to support people in their process of healing within my work even though it’s not an area of focus in my practice. I’m still passionate about the topics of sexual health, relational safety and gender based violence and advocate for survivors and healthy relationships.
One of the themes that often comes up within this kind of work is the connection between alcohol, consent and hooking up. Alcohol, while normalized culturally, complicates dynamics around consent, and how we come to understand how to have more enjoyable, satisfying romantic lives.
Recently, I was invited to add my thoughts on relational health, hooking up and alcohol for SELF magazine. If these topics are of interest to you, you can check out the article at the following link:
Enjoy!
What does it mean to be sex positive?
I was having a discussion with some colleagues recently about how we communicate with clients about our own comfort in talking about sex and sexuality issues in counseling. I said that I considered myself to be a therapist that is, "sex positive, kink positive, LGBTQ and poly affirming.
"But what does that really mean?
Being sex positive isn't about having a healthy dose of enthusiasm for sex, but more so about adopting a perspective that is affirming of diverse and individual forms of sex and sexuality. That is, where traditional notions of sexuality are about controlling behavior through shame, judgment and perhaps guilt, being sex positive means operating from an entirely different lens. It means affirming an individual's right to enjoy the kind of sex they're having, who they're having it with and however frequent feels right for them. That is, as long as that sexuality is between consenting parties (legally, ethically and morally).
Being sex positive means affirming the various ways in which people enjoy expressing themselves through their sexuality. In essence, sex positive reinforces each individual's right to self-determine what works for them sexually.
As a therapist, this means that I approach each client's sexuality with an open mind. Instead of inducing shame, it's about helping clients get the most out of their sex lives while minimizing any concerns or negative consequences. Often, this includes helping couples figure out ways to rekindle their sexual lives and helping individuals become more comfortable in owning their desires and attractions.
Many of us have been taught that sex and sexuality are things that we should feel shame about. Sex positivity isn't about being pro sex but more so about reducing that shame and stigma so that whether you are highly sexual or asexual, you find the best way to make your sexuality work for you.
How to Have a Healthy Hookup: 3 Skills You Need
Guest post submitted by Dr. Davila and Ms. Lashman.
Hookups are pretty prevalent these days. Although some research shows they don’t have a negative impact on most people, for some, hookups can be stressful, unsatisfying, or confusing. Are we going to see each other again? What will the person think of me? How do I feel about myself for doing it? Did I get what I wanted out of it? Why do I feel like it was all about the other person? These are just some of the questions we've heard from real girls, and these questions can lead to uncertainty and disappointment.If you’re interested in hooking up, there are three skills you need to use to increase the likelihood that you’ll have the experience you want and that you won’t end up confused and feeling bad.
Skill 1: Insight
This is about knowing what you want, and it’s the first thing you need to do in order to have a healthy hookup. Ask yourself these questions: What do I want sexually? What am I willing to do and not do? What are my limits? And know the answers so that when the time comes you will be prepared and you can communicate effectively about what you want and don’t want. For example, if having an orgasm is important to you and you can only reach it during oral sex, then be prepared to let your partner know. If you don’t like it rough and that’s a limit, then be ready to stop when things go past your comfort zone.It’s also important to have insight about what you’re looking to get out of a hookup. What are your motives and goals? Is it just about the sex? Are you fine with it being just a one-time thing? Are you actually hoping it will turn into a relationship? You need to know because your expectations and hopes can determine how you’ll react to whatever happens – we talk more about this when we get to the third skill, emotion regulation, later in this article. You also need to know to be able to figure out whether you and the other person are looking for the same thing. If you’re not, then you might end up not feeling so great. One key to a healthy hookup is when both people are on the same page, which leads to the next skill.
Skill 2: Mutuality
A healthy hookup is about it being good for both people. Not just you. Not just the other person. Both of you.Often people go into a hookup with the goal of getting sexual pleasure for themselves. Makes sense. So they judge the success of the hookup by whether it was pleasurable for them. But there are two people involved who both want sexual pleasure, and they both deserve to get it. If you’re in it just for your own pleasure and you’re not interested in really pleasing your partner, then stay home with your porn and/or your vibrator and enjoy yourself.On the flip side of that are people who judge the success of a hookup solely by whether they pleased their partner and they completely disregard their own pleasure. This is just as bad as focusing only on yourself. If you’re only focused on giving the other person what they want it may be an indicator that you’re afraid of being yourself, you’re afraid of what the other person might think of you, you’re trying to get the other person to like you – or, most likely, all of the above. If you see yourself in this scenario, then you need to shift your focus from trying to be what the other person wants (or what you think they want) – a situation that leads to people-pleasing – to being yourself and seeing if they like what you have to offer. And in a healthy hookup, part of that is communicating your needs and seeing if the other person is willing to meet them. If not, this is not the hookup for you. Bottom line, a healthy hookup is one where both people get their needs met and both people actually care about meeting the other’s needs.
Skill 3: Emotion Regulation
This skill is about keeping your emotions in check. Post-hookup, you may start to feel those warm twinges of love and images of a beautiful life together. You may start to get anxious about whether you’ll get another text or call. You may get sad or angry if that text or call doesn’t come. You may get excited when it comes late one Saturday night, suggesting a spontaneous rendezvous. All of these feelings can happen.But remember, there’s a reason it’s called a hookup – it’s not a relationship. And it was not intended to be from the beginning. The best thing you can do for yourself is to go into a hookup assuming that’s exactly what it will be. A fun (hopefully!) encounter between two consenting individuals that is not meant to happen again or to turn into anything else. Then, when it doesn’t, you won’t have to be sad, angry or disappointed. You can view the experience fondly, rather than yearning for more. You can remind your developing feelings of love that they are better placed elsewhere, when the right relationship person comes along. And you won’t have to be anxiously checking your phone for a text. Should that text come, you can decide whether you want to pursue it, rather than feeling dependent upon it for a sense of self-worth. And, should your hookup start to turn into a relationship, then you can be pleasantly surprised and see where it goes.For those of you who are on the receiving end of someone wanting a hookup to go further than you want it to go, you need to keep your anxiety or annoyance about this in check also. Be clear and direct with the person about where you are and what they can expect, both up front and afterwards. And be kind in all of your communications. You had sex with this person. You just shared nakedness, bodily fluids, and perhaps lots of other things. It’s an intimate exchange no matter how you look at it. And the people involved deserve to be respected. Don’t let your fears or frustration get in the way of treating a person with respect.If you use these skills to approach and deal with hookups it’s more likely to be a rewarding experience for both people, and that’s what a healthy hookup is about.
Dr. Davila and Ms. Lashman are the authors of The Thinking Girl's Guide to the Right Guy: How Knowing Yourself Can Help You Navigate Dating, Hookups, and Love.Joanne Davila, PhD, is Professor of Psychology at Stony Brook University, a clinical psychologist in private practice, and an internationally known expert on young women's romantic relationships. She lives in Stony Brook, New York, with her partner. Kaycee Lashman is an organizational change specialist who focuses on relationship dynamics within companies. Married with two children, she lives in Vancouver, Canada.
Connect with the authors at skillsforhealthyrelationships.com, and through their column for Psychology Today.
An Extra Dose of Positivity via Love Has No Labels
Instead of sharing the post I had planned for today I want to take a departure from my normal writing just to share a little bit of feel good material to help you get through the week. With all the negativity and uncertainty in the world, I wanted to share something equally as powerful and meaningful.The following video was taped back on Valentine's Day 2015 by Love Has No Labels and really is just a representation of so many different types of love. The message of the video really resonated with me this week and I thought it would be great to share here as an extra dose of positivity and inspiration. If you're prone to feeling mushy like me, you may want to have a few tissues handy. Enjoy!
Fighting the Good Fight: How to Win Any Argument
Have you ever felt yourself getting pretty heated in a discussion with a colleague or loved one? There are a lot of hot topics in the world to go around: politics, racial issues, religion, etc. Even pop culture phenoms like Beyoncé, Kanye West or the Kardashians can end up being pretty contentious topics when you're sitting around breaking bread or enjoying a few cocktails. And sometimes having these provocative conversations can leave our partner or friend feeling a bit of ill-will or vice versa. But agreeing to disagree doesn't mean that you have to end a relationship altogether. Here are some helpful strategies to maintain your relationship during a heated discussion.
Implement The Basics
In any discussion between adults there should be some real basic ground rules no matter what the topic at hand is. Refrain from name-calling and raising your voice no matter how contentious the discussion gets. If you're goal is to get through the conversation at hand without damaging the relationship, following the golden rule of "treat others how you want to be treated" reigns supreme. Unfortunately, many couples find themselves traveling down a slippery slope of name calling and shouting which can lead to really hurtful words that you can never take back.
Will it matter a few days from now?
A friend of mine introduced me to this idea of asking yourself, "Will it matter a few days from now? What about a week from now?" as a good screening tool on whether or not to address certain issues in your relationship. I think this can also apply to these tough discussions we end up having with people in our lives. Imagine there's a conversation about how Pluto is no longer considered a planet, will bring right matter to you a week from now? If not, it's probably best to move on and limit your input in the conversation all together. However, if Pluto's planet status has some immediate relevance to your life's work, you may want to let yourself advocate for your position.
Winning & Losing
Whenever you get into some sort of heated discussion, at some point you're likely going to find you and your verbal sparring partner have somehow devolved into just talking in circles. When the conversation hits that wall it's important to stop and ask yourself,"Is winning this argument the most important thing right now?" If winning is what you're after, it might be time to pause and take a break. Unfortunately, if you're very competitive in nature, winning an argument might bode well for your self-esteem but not necessarily for the stability of your relationship.
Call a Time Out
Time outs aren't just helpful for misbehaving little kids and sports, they're good for really heated discussions too. When we are in the throes of a highly provocative conversation we may find ourselves being triggered and reminded of some past relationship issues or complicated deeper feelings.When you find that your body gets more and more tense and you're unable to maintain that relaxed-assertive stance, it's best to put the conversation to rest. If the issue is something that's destined to linger between friends or in your relationship, then pick it back up later when you're feeling a bit more balanced and rational. Taking a break will do wonders in maintaining the health of your relationship.
It can be incredibly difficult to maintain your cool once you find yourself in a heated discussion that you're extremely passionate about. But, sometimes we can't get too passionate in these moments and lose sight of the bigger picture; that we have a relationship that we would like to hold on to. With these few tips, I hope that you see that there is a way to win in every argument because ultimately it's about being able to foster a relationship that tolerates healthy disagreement rather than just being right. If you choose to honor the relationship between you and your conversation partner above all else, you will win every argument, guaranteed.