6 Ways to Support a Transgender or Gender Nonconforming Person
Over the past couple of years the transgender community has gained a higher level of mainstream exposure. This is in part thanks to the transgender men and women who helped fight for equality at New York City’s Stonewall Inn riots back in the 1960s. They, among many other social influencers, paved the way into popular culture for trans individuals like Cher’s son Chaz Bono, Laverne Cox on the hit Netflix show Orange is the New Black, as well as activists and authors like Janet Mock, who released 2014’s Redefining Realness: My Path to Womanhood, Identity, Love & So Much More.
Awareness of transgender issues recently hit stratospheric heights when former Olympian and Decathlon winner Caitlyn Jenner came out as a transwoman in a historic interview with Diane Sawyer. Her story has prompted conversations in households and workplaces that many folks never had before and left the world with a more intimate understanding of what it means to be transgender. There has been increasingly more fervor and interest in what it means to be trans as many states and local jurisdictions have brought up "bathroom bills" under the guise of promoting safety for women and children.Undoubtedly, many families are now finding themselves learning how to best support loved ones that identify as transgender.I hope this piece will give them, and you, some very practical tips on how to do that.
Create an environment that is supportive of all people (of all genders)
One of the most important things that you can do to best support someone who is transgender or gender nonconforming is to create a safe space for ALL people. Contrary to some critics, transpeople don’t want “special rights” or unsolicited attention. By far, folks who identify as trans want to be seen for the whole of their being, not just their gender identities.If you can help create a space and environment in your home or workplace that is safe for a variety of genders, sexualities, races, religions, or levels of ability, you can be sure that you’re creating an environment that is welcoming to trans people. You can reflect your acceptance by something as small as a rainbow sticker on your door (or the trans pride flag). Organizations can adjust forms that allow for an open response for gender demographics. A little change goes a long way.
Do your own research
If you would like to further your knowledge about what it means to be trans, there is a lot of information online that you can readily access. Chaz Bono released his documentary Becoming Chaz back in 2011. The film, which is currently available on Netflix, explores Chaz’s transition and his relationship with his superstar mother. You may also want to read Janet Mock’s book mentioned above; you can find it in most bookstores.Along with a wide selection of blogs and websites, there are also some great YouTube channels that feature trans people such as Jazz Jennings, who is a 14-year-old transgirl who was once featured on ABC News. A Girl Like Me with Chloe M is also a great vlog channel for transwomen and families seeking to learn more. Aydian Dowling, a transman and fitness model, also has a YouTube channel and has previously discussed his gender identity and transition on the Ellen show.
Ask questions
Although it’s not your loved one’s responsibility to educate you about all things trans, some people do relish that opportunity. You will get a good sense if they’re open to educating you once you express genuine interest and curiosity in their process. It should be noted that if questions are well-intentioned, generally speaking, most people are going to respond favorably.
Ask for (P)GPs
Preferred gender pronouns are commonly known as PGPs. These days, it's more approrpiate in some circles to simply refer to them as gender pronouns (as they are not just "preferred"). Gender pronouns are ways in which we all identify ourselves, or others in a conversation. For instance, if you were assigned a male sex at birth and identify as a man, you may prefer the terms “he/him/his”. Whereas if you were assigned a male sex at birth but you identify as a woman, you may want to use traditionally female pronouns such as “she/her/hers”. However, a word of caution – some trans or gender nonconforming people may prefer gender terms that you may not consider obvious given how you perceive them, which is why it’s so important to ask someone for appropriate gender pronouns to avoid misgendering them altogether. Gsafe has a great online resource on gender pronouns that you can find here.
Learn to apologize
Odds are, no matter how well-intentioned you are, you will make the mistake of using the wrong gender pronoun or refer to your friend or loved one by an old name. In a perfect world none of us would ever make these mistakes, but it has been my experience that you will get a pass if you say “I’m sorry”, then correct yourself and move on quickly.
Stand up and become an ally
One of the most powerful ways that you can support trans people is to become an ally for the transgender community. Challenge your other friends and colleagues on their assumptions about gender. Write your local representatives to advocate for fair bathroom access for transpeople in your area. Participate in local organizations that fight for equal rights. This piece was originally published on Talkspace.
What does it mean to be transgender?
According to the Transgender Law and Policy Institute, up to 5% of the United States population identifies as transgender. For many, this term and identity represents a new facet of the LGBT community in the mainstream as trans people have only recently publicly gained the attention of the masses. The truth is that trans people have long been an important and integral part of the social and political movements to garner support for LGBT people.
And with Caitlyn Jenner most recently and courageously sharing her authentic self with the world through her Diane Sawyer interview, the mainstream media and many American households are buzzing with the question, what does it mean to be transgender? And if you're reading this, you might even be asking yourself, "Am I transgender?" As someone who has worked with and came to care for many trans or gender non-confirming folks, my hope is that this brief post will help provide you with some insight and answers along on your journey.
First, a little context. Up until 1973, the psychological community still sanctioned homosexuality as a mental disorder. While it was removed from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (the DSM) that year, the psychological community is still conflicted about how to best support people who self-identify as gay. Thankfully, there are many professionals (gay and heterosexual) who acknowledge and promote the mental and emotional health of gay folks by adopting supportive and gay affirmative practices. Sadly, however, there is still a large segment of the population who advocates for the use of conversion therapy, which aims to rid gay people of their same-sex desires in order to make them "straight". Too often the practice of conversion therapy is both emotionally and physically damaging and inappropriate, leaving the clients more emotionally damaged, confused and isolated from their families and loved ones. Now that transgender people are being more widely recognized in the public sphere, our culture is faced with the same questions and barriers as a society on how to best support trans folks.
For better or for worse, gender dysphoria is still listed in the DSM as a mental disorder. Many counselors like myself, don't consider identifying as trans as a mental health disorder, however, this often presents a conundrum for trans advocates as many states require a person to carry a diagnosis of gender dysphoria in order to begin gender affirmative treatment such as hormone replacement therapy and what has previously been known as sexual reassignment surgery, which is more colloquially referred to as "top" and "bottom" surgeries in the community. Given the restrictions on treatment, you can see how in order to live in accordance with your gender identity, some have to be stigmatized in order to receive the appropriate, supportive, and necessary medical interventions that are gender affirming. More plainly put, trans people must admit to being "sick" before receiving what is often life saving treatment.
Despite trans visibility increasing in the past few years, many folks still have questions and concerns about what it means to be trans. There are a lot of online resources that often feature the voices of trans people themselves such as Laura's Playground, TransAdvocate and PFLAG National. These are all great resources if you yourself think you may be trans or need insight about a friend or loved one. As a mental health professional, I will share with you the criteria of gender dysphoria which might help you gain some insight and clarity into what trans people might be experiencing. Here is an abbreviated list of that criteria:
Feelings that your internal gender identity does not match your physical characteristics
A desire for the sex characteristics of another gender (ex. sex organs such as penis, vagina, testicles or things like amount of body hair, tone of voice, waist to hip ratio, etc.)
Feeling that you should be treated as a different gender (than what you were assigned at birth)
Strong and persistent internal feelings that you are of a different gender or sex that you were assigned at birth
Again, this is a list based on heteronormative ideals and standards which see a trans identity as being "disordered".
There are histories of cultures with two-spirited, or third genders which haven't described or treated trans folks in the same way. I hope that this can serve as a starting point to form questions, invite discussion and ultimately garner understanding and compassion for people who all identify as trans like Caitlyn Jenner, Leelah Alcorn, Chaz Bono or Laverne Cox. All too often the health and livelihood of trans folks depends on our willingness to develop empathy and compassion, irrespective of our cultural or religious backgrounds. The truth of the matter is, lives are at stake.
And if you think that you might be trans, I invite you to seek out support in a trusted friend, loved one or affirmative counselor who can help guide you and support you on your journey of being your most authentic self.
You deserve that ability to do so. We all do.