What You Need to Know About Repression

Recently I was watching old episodes of a TV show called Single Parents. It’s a half hour sitcom that follows single parents as they navigate caring for their young children. It’s a funny, light show for sure, but I was struck by something one of the characters said when talking about (not) dealing with his feelings. He (Douglas) has a three step model of dealing with feelings: 1) repress, 2) replace, and 3) move on.

Yikes.

What is repression?

Repression is essentially the process by which we refuse to acknowledge our thoughts and feelings. There isn’t consensus on whether this is entirely a conscious or unconscious process, but I tend to view repression as pretty automatic.

Repression is a somewhat natural, and helpful psychological process. It helps us protect even ourselves from very difficult thoughts and feelings that seem overwhelming. In this way, it gives us time and space to shore up our resilience in order to resolve or address the concern in the future. It can help us put those negative emotions away, but hopefully only temporarily.

And here’s the tricky thing about emotions, no matter how we deal (or don’t deal) with them, it doesn’t mean that they cease to exist. These feelings stay with us until we give them the necessary time and attention. How much of that time, or space, is necessary? That’s one of the mysteries of psychology. I’m a therapist and I haven’t come up with a good answer to this question - maybe there isn’t one. As each person, and their relationship to their feelings, is different it’s almost impossible to predict when we might be able to be “done'“ with a certain feeling. But, also why do we have to be?!

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Here’s the good news…

The good news is that we have our bodies, and our minds, as these incredibly powerful sources of data for us. Thoughts can key us into things that we may be struggling with but not consciously acknowledging. Sometimes we also somaticize feelings in our bodies - meaning that a corresponding sensation in our bodies can provide us with information about things that we aren’t consciously dealing with. Feelings like anger and anxiety, as well as other emotions have been found to cause inflammation in the body - leaving the body in a consistent state of stress. We might subjectively experience this as “uneasiness” in our bodies. It’s also relatively common to experience exacerbation of old injuries and chronic pains when experiencing high stress levels. Back injuries, for example, often exacerbate when paired with new life stressors even if there has been no new physical injury.

Our bodies can help us check-in. Repression will keep us stuck in our pain, only for it to pop up when we least expect it.

So what do you do about this?

Make time to check-in and be proactive

Ideally we all would proactively take time in our days (or week) to sit down, pause, and reflect. Some people do this by journaling or morning pages. But, if you find that to be too daunting then you can also try to pay closer attention to what your body might be telling you. Feeling tension in your shoulders? Perhaps you’re worried about something. Tension headaches? Maybe you’ve been in a constant state of stress for the past week about a work or school project. Stomach upset? Maybe it’s something you ate or maybe you’re feeling unsettled and unsafe. These are just a few examples of common ways feelings show up in the body.

No matter how you individually might experience and manifest your feelings, it’s important to have a system that helps you check in with yourself regularly. Otherwise, repression is running the show and you have less control over when and how these feelings come to light.

This post was previously published at Viva.

The Hidden Danger in Your Social Media Feeds

Social media is a part of everyday life for many of us. We view curated stories from friends, celebrities and brands that are of interest. We keep in contact with people who mean a lot to us, or once did, in a world where many of us end up relocating from our hometowns in search of new adventures and opportunities.

These reasons make sites like Facebook, Twitter and Instagram a huge positive in our lives, but there could be a hidden danger to your mental health lurking everyday in your social media feeds. This danger is vicarious traumatization. In the past, this has been a particular concern for mental health providers, but is a phenomenon that anyone may experience.

We haven't been prepared to understand the implications of social media. Experiencing vicarious trauma (sometimes out of our own immediate control) is a risk we take when we engage in social media regularly these days.  Open any feed and you will readily see photos, images or videos of violence and injury. You’ll also hear stories of suicide or recovery from mental health or addiction issues. While the latter stories help us authentically connect in ways that we haven’t before, all of this exposure can also negatively impact our mental health.

The idea of social media negatively impacting our mental health isn’t new, but few have talked about the impact of indirect experiencing, or vicarious trauma, intentionally. To better understand what vicarious trauma is, it’s important to take a look at a basic description of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

PTSD is a mental health condition characterized by a cluster of responses (or symptoms) after experiencing a traumatic event. These indicators may manifest as:

• Intrusive thoughts or memories of the event(s)
• Physical reactions to cues reminding you of the event(s) ranging from discomfort to dissociation and even re-experiencing traumatic event(s) in the present
• Intense and significant responses to being exposed to triggers (such as sights, images, videos, sounds, smells, etc.) that remind you of said event(s)
• Thoughts of self-blame, guilt or hopelessness
• Feelings of sadness, fear, guilt, anxiety, etc. and greater difficulty experiencing positive feelings such as happiness, peace, joy, etc.

All of these symptoms must have been experienced in the context of some traumatic event(s). In the past, this only included events like war or sexual assault, but the criteria for PTSD has become broader over time. Now, the diagnostic criteria indicates it is possible to experience PTSD even if you did not directly experience or live the triggering event yourself. Fear or threat of seriously bodily injury to someone you know also qualifies as an activating event. That means that you could potentially also experience PTSD if you knew a friend or loved one experienced terrible events.

What does that have to do with social media?

Consider that you’re a Black mother. Routinely you log on to Facebook and encounter racist rhetoric or see yet another video of police abuse of power resulting in the death of a young Black person. How might you feel to see these videos over and over again? How might that impact your ability to see the world as a safe space for your child(ren)?  How might that impact your mood and ways you navigate different spaces with your child(ren)?

Now imagine you’re a trans woman of color and you predominantly have  found social safety and security online. Almost every week not only do you encounter transphobic rhetoric in comment sections of posts and articles, but you also cross news story after news story of yet another young trans woman of color dying at the hands of someone else. How would that make you feel?

You may end up feeling pretty unsafe walking in the world. You might become less prone to interact and trust others. You might wish that you were someone else. You might wish that the identities of your loved ones weren’t reflected in these kinds of horrific stories. You might feel hopeless and powerless. Everyday, on every social feed, you’re reminded of how your life is viewed as less than. You question the validity of your worth in the world. You wonder if anyone would care if that happened to you or your loved one.

You might hide. As that mother, you might wake up in the middle of the night in terror that your young son is out late. As a trans person, you may not perform gender in the way you might ideally for fear of bodily injury or worse.

There are many people with a whole host of different identities that may be reflected in the stories you see and read in social media. And the reality is, if you’re on these sites multiple times per day, you’re consistently faced with images of people who look like you experiencing violence, at worst, and sometimes snarky comments and/or personal attacks.

How do we navigate this confusing world of endless connectivity?

The answer may not be to disconnect from social media completely. After all, if you disconnect you will miss out on the positivity and connectedness you experience from your online communities. Taking time be more intentional and mindful about your use, as opposed to following each impulse to check your feeds, could be a wise way to manage your connectivity and moderate your exposure to traumatizing material.

The next time you log on, ask yourself, "What am I hoping to gain right now?" One simple question might drastically change your relationship to social media and how you use it. Until then, happy scrolling.

Q&A with a Therapist: Learned Helplessness

Recently, I sat down with Myleik Teele of My Taught You podcast to weigh in on some listener questions and offer some insight and feedback. This time we hit some pretty tough questions. We also talked about learned helplessness, which was an idea popularized by Martin Seligman in the mid-20th century from his experiments on dogs. The experiments were controversial at best, and reinforced some previous thoughts about learning and the human condition.  You can read more on the studies here, but be warned as they involve some unsettling conditions including introducing electrical shock to dogs.

You can listen to the Q&A with Myleik below:

The 4th of July

I've struggled with what to say and how to share thoughts today, Independence Day. Our country feels so divided and lacking in compassion and understanding. All I can say is this, I hope that we can continue to move forward with the tenets of life, liberty, and justice for all...but REALLY. Let's all make sure to continue to use the rights that we do have to uplift and support one another enthusiastically and completely.  I'm reminded by one quote from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. in his Letter from Birmingham Jail today:

Redefining Help: How to Become an Effective Caregiver

There are many different ways to become an effective caregiver. When it comes to supporting someone with mental health issues like anxiety or depression help can take on many different forms. There is no one right way to offer support to someone who may be suffering. But, there are some basic ideas to keep in mind if you're trying your best to help someone that you care about.

Presence and persistence are key

If you have ever suffered with depression or anxiety, then you may know how pervasive and debilitating these conditions can be.  They are persistent and insidious. They often turn seemingly innocuous comments or questions into backhanded slights. Everyday tasks can turn into burdensome or debilitating events. Anxiety and depression can leave you overwrought with frustration and agitation. If someone you love is going through this, don't give up. Do your best to out live and out run their diagnosis. Your persistence in being there will be incredibly healing.

Deal with your own emotions and fight caregiver burnout

One of the most difficult parts of supporting someone who may be dealing with mental health issues, especially someone that you are close to, is that it can also have an emotionally draining impact on you as a caregiver.Being close to someone coping with mental health issues is tough, especially when you are there, day in and day out, doing what you can to offer your support. At times you may feel frustrated that they aren't quite able to get better or take the steps you feel are necessary for their health and recovery. Sometimes this can lead to feelings of anger and resentment. And it goes without saying that it is tremendously difficult to continue to see someone you love suffer. It's a special kind of emotional torture, in a way.Because emotionally supporting someone can be so tough, many caregivers struggle with "burnout", often referred to as compassion fatigue in the psychological community. As a caregiver, make sure that you are practicing emotional awareness and good self care as much as possible. This will also help you continue to offer the best support to your loved one that you can.

Focus more on the person & less on the "problem"

It is a noble cause to help rid a loved one of their anxiety or depression and it's hard to watch someone you love suffer. It's always wise to share resources and offer practical strategies to help alleviate their suffering. However, it is with a word of caution that I encourage you to focus less on the problem (i.e. the anxious or depressive feelings) and focus more on the person themselves. Show them that you care about them and not just their condition or illness. Don't only talk about their difficulties but show up as you would for any other friend or loved one.Have fun dates together. Go to amusement parks. Join a book club together. Break bread. Show them that your relationship with them is greater than any difficulty they may be facing. This kind of support and just 'being there' can be an incredibly strong source of energy and support that your loved one may need in their recovery.Often, in our lives, we can get very busy and bogged down with the details of everyday life. When you're close to someone who is struggling with mental health issues, it can be difficult to find your way in providing support while also taking care of your other daily responsibilities. It is important to remember, no matter how bad things may get, that there are things that you can do to continue offering your care and compassion. Helping isn't one easily identifiable strategy. I hope that these thoughts will help you do what you can to help support both yourself and a loved one as you continue to move forward in your journeys together.