6 Ways to Support a Transgender or Gender Nonconforming Person

Over the past couple of years the transgender community has gained a higher level of mainstream exposure. This is in part thanks to the transgender men and women who helped fight for equality at New York City’s Stonewall Inn riots back in the 1960s. They, among many other social influencers, paved the way into popular culture for trans individuals like Cher’s son Chaz Bono, Laverne Cox on the hit Netflix show Orange is the New Black, as well as activists and authors like Janet Mock, who released 2014’s Redefining Realness: My Path to Womanhood, Identity, Love & So Much More.

Awareness of transgender issues recently hit stratospheric heights when former Olympian and Decathlon winner Caitlyn Jenner came out as a transwoman in a historic interview with Diane Sawyer. Her story has prompted conversations in households and workplaces that many folks never had before and left the world with a more intimate understanding of what it means to be transgender. There has been increasingly more fervor and interest in what it means to be trans as many states and local jurisdictions have brought up "bathroom bills" under the guise of promoting safety for women and children.Undoubtedly, many families are now finding themselves learning how to best support loved ones that identify as transgender.I hope this piece will give them, and you, some very practical tips on how to do that.

Create an environment that is supportive of all people (of all genders)

One of the most important things that you can do to best support someone who is transgender or gender nonconforming is to create a safe space for ALL people. Contrary to some critics, transpeople don’t want “special rights” or unsolicited attention. By far, folks who identify as trans want to be seen for the whole of their being, not just their gender identities.If you can help create a space and environment in your home or workplace that is safe for a variety of genders, sexualities, races, religions, or levels of ability, you can be sure that you’re creating an environment that is welcoming to trans people. You can reflect your acceptance by something as small as a rainbow sticker on your door (or the trans pride flag). Organizations can adjust forms that allow for an open response for gender demographics. A little change goes a long way.

Do your own research

If you would like to further your knowledge about what it means to be trans, there is a lot of information online that you can readily access. Chaz Bono released his documentary Becoming Chaz back in 2011. The film, which is currently available on Netflix, explores Chaz’s transition and his relationship with his superstar mother. You may also want to read Janet Mock’s book mentioned above; you can find it in most bookstores.Along with a wide selection of blogs and websites, there are also some great YouTube channels that feature trans people such as Jazz Jennings, who is a 14-year-old transgirl who was once featured on ABC News. A Girl Like Me with Chloe M is also a great vlog channel for transwomen and families seeking to learn more. Aydian Dowling, a transman and fitness model, also has a YouTube channel and has previously discussed his gender identity and transition on the Ellen show.

Ask questions

Although it’s not your loved one’s responsibility to educate you about all things trans, some people do relish that opportunity. You will get a good sense if they’re open to educating you once you express genuine interest and curiosity in their process. It should be noted that if questions are well-intentioned, generally speaking, most people are going to respond favorably.

Ask for (P)GPs

Preferred gender pronouns are commonly known as PGPs.  These days, it's more approrpiate in some circles to simply refer to them as gender pronouns (as they are not just "preferred").  Gender pronouns are ways in which we all identify ourselves, or others in a conversation. For instance, if you were assigned a male sex at birth and identify as a man, you may prefer the terms “he/him/his”.  Whereas if you were assigned a male sex at birth but you identify as a woman, you may want to use traditionally female pronouns such as “she/her/hers”. However, a word of caution – some trans or gender nonconforming people may prefer gender terms that you may not consider obvious given how you perceive them, which is why it’s so important to ask someone for appropriate gender pronouns to avoid misgendering them altogether. Gsafe has a great online resource on gender pronouns that you can find here.

Learn to apologize

Odds are, no matter how well-intentioned you are, you will make the mistake of using the wrong gender pronoun or refer to your friend or loved one by an old name.  In a perfect world none of us would ever make these mistakes, but it has been my experience that you will get a pass if you say “I’m sorry”, then correct yourself and move on quickly.

Stand up and become an ally

One of the most powerful ways that you can support trans people is to become an ally for the transgender community. Challenge your other friends and colleagues on their assumptions about gender. Write your local representatives to advocate for fair bathroom access for transpeople in your area.  Participate in local organizations that fight for equal rights. This piece was originally published on Talkspace.

At The Movies: 'Inside Out'

This past week I had the chance to check out the new movie 'Inside Out' which has garnered a lot of attention as a kids' movie, but is really anything but. There's definitely a lot to gain from this film for everyone.

The story centers around an 11-year-old girl named Riley and her emotions; Joy, Fear, Disgust, Anger and Sadness.  The emotions are voiced by some beloved actors of our time with Amy Poehler voicing Joy, Bill Hader as Fear, Phyllis Smith as Sadness, Mindy Kaling as Disgust and Lewis Black as Anger.  The casting is genius and makes for a lot of funny moments as the story chugs along.

Without giving too much away of the film, there are plenty of heartwarming moments to be enjoyed here too. And while the movie is animated, it's not just about entertaining the kids. As a mental health professional, I was surprised and delighted how 'Inside Out' took on the task of explaining emotions and how we often try to work through them. As much of the film is spent inside Riley's brain, you get a good sense of how her emotions work together, and sometimes fight, to have their own needs met.  There's rationalization and denial at points and by the end you're left with a much fuller picture of how emotions are regulated and how they impact our lives and memories.

'Inside Out' is a really powerful film for both kids and adults and I've heard a few parents with young children say they still felt it was appropriate for their children.  It's a lovely film that had me thinking a lot about my own emotions and how they play a role in memories and I hope it will do the same for you if you choose to go see it.  I'm not surprised by how well the movie has performed at the box office and I have pretty much recommended that everyone I know go see it as I was really struck by the warmth and honesty of this "kids' movie".  There's also a short film called 'Lava' which precedes 'Inside Out' that serves as a sufficiently emotional primer to what's in store ahead.

At its least, 'Inside Out' is family entertainment but at its best it is both therapeutic and cathartic making it a Trojan horse of a movie for all to enjoy.  If you would like to read a little bit more on the film (warning: there are some pretty BIG spoilers ahead!) then you can check out an article titled The Science of 'Inside Out' which was recently posted in the New York Times.

What is PTSD?

Posttraumatic stress disorder (or PTSD for short) has become a more widely recognized mental health condition in recent decades, but what is PTSD?  I hope to provide you with some basic and insightful information below.PTSD was originally a term applied to soldiers returning from war, but it wasn't always called PTSD as it is today.  Previously, the cluster of symptoms was categorized as "shell shock" or "soldier's heart".  Thankfully, psychology began to recognize that not only soldiers could experience posttraumatic stress disorder and began to more acutely study and accurately define a condition that affects about 8 million people each year in the United States. PTSD can be a crippling condition but can be treated effectively with a supportive therapist.But what is PTSD exactly? The current criteria for PTSD include the following:

1. Exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury or sexual violence
2. Symptoms following the event such as intrusive memories, recurring dreams, flashbacks or other bodily reactions to cues related to the event
3. Avoidance of things associated with the event (for example: similar or actual location, people or related feelings or thoughts)
4. A generally negative change in thoughts or mood following the event(s)
5. Changes in level of reactivity or heightened arousal beginning or worsening after the event(s) (for example: being startled very easily, feeling "on edge" or having difficult sleeping)

All these symptoms must be met for a period longer than a month and must occur following the activating event(s).  Traditionalists typically view the development of PTSD as very rigid and involving "serious bodily injury", however myself, and many contemporary therapists, also view longstanding physical and emotional abuse as potential experiences leading up to the development of PTSD.Additionally, historically PTSD was thought to only affect those with direct experience of the event(s) but current criteria indicates that people who have witnessed, or know a close family or loved one being harmed, may experience PTSD as well.So what type of events do we think of relating to PTSD?

• Directly experienced the event(s) or witnessed the event(s)
• Had serious physical injury from the event(s)
• You believed you or a family member (or loved one) was in serious danger during the event(s)
• You felt helpless or otherwise had a severe reaction to the event(s) such as shaking, crying, or feeling apart from the surrounding area

Given the presented criteria, you can see how many of us in the totality of our life experiences could potentially be affected by PTSD at some point in our lives.  If you believe you or someone you love might be dealing with the criteria mentioned above, I recommend you seek out consultation with a therapist to discuss ongoing support. Even if you don't meet the diagnostic criteria of PTSD, there is always room to be healthier and feel liberated from experiences that may be haunting you or limiting your progress in life.   

Emerging from the Mud: An Opportunity for Recovery and Healing

“Most people are afraid of suffering. But suffering is a kind of mud to help the lotus flower of happiness grow. There can be no lotus flower without the mud.” ~ Thích Nhất Hạnh, No Mud, No Lotus: The Art of Transforming Suffering

Once you have been diagnosed with a mental health condition, you may experience a variety of feelings.  It can be a confusing time and I have met with clients who have expressed feeling everything from anger and disappointment to relief and peace upon receiving a diagnosis.  While there is still significant stigma around mental health conditions, the realization of a diagnosis can be helpful in explaining what often includes years of suffering in confusion and silence. A diagnosis can often leave a person with a bleak or hopeless perspective, but with hard work and commitment, anyone can recover from mental health problems.

Both medication and talk therapy can be very effective in helping people recover from serious mental health problems. Most people know that. However, what a lot of people don't seem to know is that a lot of progress is made outside of the therapy hour or the psychiatrist's office.

While a solid relationship between a therapist and client can lead to incredible results, a client's commitment to trying new strategies and hope that they may work are also powerful factors in leading to long-lasting fulfillment and recovery.In the therapy hour, a counselor and client collaborate on strategies and coping skills to maneuver through life's challenges. Often times, skills can be practiced in session with an agreement by the client to practice that new skill outside of the therapy hour.  That's where the real challenge lies.

Sitting in the room with your therapist should feel like a safe, and supportive space.  That often makes it a little easier to try new skills or new ways of looking at situations and problems.  While not always easy, it is incredibly helpful to have your own personal coach (therapist) guide you through your newly learned skills.

The problem is that the therapy hour always ends.  From there you re-enter the world.  You engage with your colleagues, your loved ones and strangers and that can all be very stressful.  The real challenge is putting those newly learned skills to the test when it really counts.  Practicing those strategies in the moment is paramount to returning to a healthier and more balanced lifestyle.

Receiving a mental health diagnosis does not have to be the end. For many clients it can be the beginning to a new journey with opportunities, achievements and triumphs.  It can be the blossoming of the lotus emerging from the mud.  Exercising your newly learned skills and putting them into daily practice can be an extremely rewarding experience.  If you do so, rest assured that recovery is absolutely within your grasp.

5 Tips to Manage Stress at Work

Significant research has shown that a highly stressful work environment can negatively impact mental health.Studies have shown that stressful work environments can have significant impacts on employees which an exacerbate or illuminate mental health issues.  In particular research has indicated those in high effort and low reward positions suffer a great deal of stress (Siegrist, 1996). In addition, poor treatment by management can have significant impacts on one's mental health.

That being said, what if your job is just OK?  Maybe you don't find the conditions all that unbearable but want to make your daily experience a little more enjoyable.  

Here are some quick tips to help manage job stress:

1. "The early bird catches the worm."Being late for work can cause a hurried and stressful feeling that can permeate throughout your entire day.

2. Get enough sleep. If you have a difficult boss or a particularly stressful work environment, take a preemptive strike and make sure you get a good night's rest every night.  Getting good rest makes you more aware and alert to complete your tasks, as well as helps make you better able to cope with a nagging boss or difficult coworkers.

3. Dive right in.When you get to your place of business, if you have the choice, dive in to your toughest tasks in the morning. During the early hours you will likely have the most energy to tackle the hard stuff.  Taper off your day with shorter, less intensive tasks to help that transition out of the office that much easier.

4. Eat a good, balanced breakfast.  There is significant research that states that the mind-body connection is very strong.  If you load up on a nutrient rich balanced breakfast, you will likely find yourself more able to tackle your work tasks and cope with the stress of work.  Being hangry (hungry+angry) and irritable might create a self-fulfilling prophecy of a tough work environment. Self care really is the best care!

5. Don't forget to ask for help.  If there is support available at your job, then use it!  If you're feeling overwhelmed or frustrated by your experience at work, seek out someone you trust.  A supervisor or understanding coworker will help you manage the day's challenges without making you feel bad for seeking support.I hope these quick tips can help you better deal with the stress of your work day.  

If you employ some of these techniques and still find your work situation difficult, it might be time to re-evaluate your position with the aid of supportive therapist that can help guide you in times of transition or explore strategies to manage workplace stress.