Recovering Addicts Share Words of Wisdom on Finding Forgiveness After Treatment

Guest post contributed by Cecelia Johnson.

Forgiveness: it’s easy to want, but not as simple to give. It can be especially difficult when it comes to a former substance abuse problem. Even after someone has found sobriety, it’s not always easy for loved ones to let go of past pain.I had the recent opportunity to speak with addiction treatment graduates who shared their stories about picking up the pieces. Here are a few of their insights on finding sobriety and forgiveness.

It takes time

Few people leave treatment and expect that things will immediately be perfect. Even if you’ve gone through family counseling as part of your rehabilitation, it’s going to be a learning curve for everyone. There are new boundaries and routines to get used to, and for your loved ones, it might take some time to learn to trust you again.“It’s a process. Like anything in life or recovery, it’s a process,” John noted.After finding lasting sobriety at the Treehouse in Texas, John was eager to return home and be the best possible husband and father — but it came in small steps.“I was still around taking care of my kids and being involved with them. Then my wife started to trust me to come home for two nights a week, so I started coming home on weekends,” he recalled.There were a few setbacks and it was tough to be away from his family, but John said he tried to make the most of it.“It sucked,” he admitted, “but at the same time, it allowed me some space to keep working on me. I was able to read more and to journal more. There were some benefits too.”

There may be more going on than you realize

It isn’t always the people who you’ve directly wronged who have trouble forgiving you. For some, it’s their loyalties to others that make them hesitant to trust you again.“One of my friends was really cold to me when I tried to reach out to her when I got sober,” Wendy explained. “I asked her what was wrong, and she said, ‘What’s wrong? You put our friends through so much!’ Even though I never did anything to her, she’s really hurt by what I’ve done to other people.”Wendy said that at first she was crushed, but ultimately she realized her friend had a right to be upset. And all she can do is give her time to heal.“You can’t push it. There’s nothing I can do about people not wanting to make amends. They’ll be ready, or they won’t,” she said.

Your loved ones just might surprise you

For all the people who aren’t ready to forgive, there are often just as many who will be ready. People are often more understanding than we expect them to be, and most have a deep appreciation for someone trying to get their life back on track.“You don’t realize it; you don’t think about it. You just think that you’re so bad, what you’ve done is just so horrible, but there are still people who care,” said Christy, whose friends, family, and neighbors banded together to help fix up her house when she went to treatment.“These people that we barely knew probably have family members, people that they are close to that may be in a similar situation,” she went on. “You don’t realize that other people really can relate. You don’t think that. You don’t know that. But there are a lot of people out there who do understand.”So don’t lose hope. With time comes healing, and often that’s all that people need. Your patience and understanding may be all you can offer right now. In the meantime, focus on rebuilding the relationships you still have — including the one with yourself.

And if you’re the one who is being asked for forgiveness, remember that it’s one of the most priceless, cherished gifts you could ever give to someone. 

Cecelia Johnson believes strongly in the power of good deeds and recognizing great work. That’s why she created RecognitionWorks.org. The site is dedicated to connecting those who’ve been awarded for exemplary work in their communities to companies and organizations that can help them continue their admirable efforts through donations, sponsorships, and gifts. By making these connections, she hopes to build stronger, more altruistic communities and citizens.

Are LGBT Rights About to Get Trumped?

Written by guest contributor and author Lee Schubert.

The day after the presidential election, suicide prevention hotlines lit up all across the country, as LGBT people expressed their panic about what a Trump presidency will mean for the future of their freedoms. The fear is real and palpable and understandable. But it may also be somewhat exaggerated and premature. In reality, Donald Trump himself has not said a lot of negative things about either sexual orientation or gender identity. Nor is he as conservative as many people think he is. The conservatives are well aware of that, though liberals tend to throw him into the same bag as Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio. And whatever Trump’s actual goals turn out to be, there are serious limits to the power of the president. We also have the courts and Congress. And even though the Republicans have majorities in both houses, those majorities are not very wide and many Republicans are not about to fall lock-step behind this political newcomer.

Not that there is no cause for concern. There are several reasons to worry about a Trump administration. The broadest one is the general tone of intolerance that Trump projected throughout the campaign. He did not seem to care a lot about people who are not white, male, and Christian. It is not a big stretch to add “straight” to that list. And whatever his own views may be, some of his supporters may view his victory as license for discrimination and even violence. There was some very disturbing evidence of this in the wake of the election.Another cause for concern is the people Trump will be surrounding himself with. First there is Mike Pence. In addition to being generally more conservative, the vice-president-elect has a seriously poor record on LGBT issues.

Then there are the various appointees in the administration. Just as an example, there is some fear that Betsy DeVos (Trump’s choice to head the Department of Education) will roll back the effort to stop bullying and advance the safety of gay and transgender students. And of course there is the big issue of who Trump will appoint to the Supreme Court. He will be under great pressure from conservatives in both his administration and Congress to choose a justice who would vote to limit LGBT rights in some key ways. Since our next president has never held public office, there is no way to know how susceptible he will be to the influence of those around him, though during his campaign he did tend to do things his own way.

Now let us turn from generalizations to how a Trump presidency might affect some particular issues of concern to the LGBT community. Probably the two biggest issues are marriage equality and transgender bathrooms. Trump has been hard to pin down on either of these, changing positions and equivocating. In both cases, he seems to like the idea of ducking the question by saying it should be left to the individual states. This is not the worst position from a LGBT perspective, since at least it would not involve the kind of discrimination by the federal government exhibited in the dreadful Defense of Marriage Act. But it would still allow discrimination by individual states. What most LGBT people want is equal rights guaranteed throughout the country. And that ultimately depends on the Supreme Court. Therefore these two extremely important issues will be especially dependent on who is nominated (and confirmed) to sit on that court.

There are various other types of discrimination against LGBT people who might be more likely under the new administration. One type is discrimination on religious grounds. Religious organizations sometimes claim that they should not have to hire people, such as gays and lesbians, whose behavior violates their religious beliefs. Recently even businesses have claimed the right not to employ or do business with such people. Since the legalization of same-sex marriage, some people have refused to provide cakes or other goods or services related to weddings, based on their religious beliefs. During the Obama administration, the trend has been not to allow that type of discrimination, despite the religious freedom arguments. Trump has given some indications that he might be more sympathetic toward the religious freedom arguments.

The fear of increased discrimination is further fueled by the fact that Mike Pence has opposed anti-discrimination legislation designed to protect LGBT people. He was also opposed to allowing gays in the military, and some fear a possible return to the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” era, though a reversal on that would be very difficult to engineer.Because of Trump’s interest in limiting immigration, there is concern that changes in policy might interfere with marriage for international couples and with the treatment of LGBT people seeking asylum from persecution in their home countries. Another possible target of an anti-gay backlash is adoption by same-sex couples. There are also certain medical areas that could be impacted. “Conversion therapy,” or the attempt to treat gay people by making them straight, has been generally rejected by mental health professionals. But in the past Mike Pence advocated it, and some fear that it might come back into use.

Another medical issue arises from the likelihood that Obamacare will be repealed or at least massively overhauled. It does not allow discrimination based on sexual orientation or gender identity and that has been extremely important for transgender people, who previously often had great difficulty obtaining certain types of health care. So there it is. On one hand, there is a very real possibility that the Trump presidency will create some serious problems for many in the LGBT community. On the other, it is much too soon to predict the type of wholesale oppression that many in the LGBT community fear. On balance, rather than assuming the worst, we would do better to wait until we see what particular changes are proposed and then fight to defend whatever rights of LGBT people are actually being threatened.  

Lee Schubert is the author of Woman Incognito.

The Ask a Therapist Podcast! with Myleik Teele of My Taught You

I recently had the chance to speak with Myleik Teele on her popular My Taught You podcast. We talk all things therapy and answer some listener questions about setting boundaries, practicing self-care and dealing with "situationships" (and why I feel strongly about that term). Give it a listen below! 

Lady Gaga Opens Up About Living with PTSD

Performer Lady Gaga recently opened up about living with Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). The condition affects about 8 million US adults each year (US Department of Veteran Affairs).  Lady Gaga recently penned an open letter for her Born This Way Foundation that I am sharing here in its entirety to help those who may be living with PTSD.

She writes:

"I have wrestled for some time about when, how and if I should reveal my diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). After five years of searching for the answers to my chronic pain and the change I have felt in my brain, I am finally well enough to tell you. There is a lot of shame attached to mental illness, but it’s important that you know that there is hope and a chance for recovery.It is a daily effort for me, even during this album cycle, to regulate my nervous system so that I don’t panic over circumstances that to many would seem like normal life situations. Examples are leaving the house or being touched by strangers who simply want to share their enthusiasm for my music.

I also struggle with triggers from the memories I carry from my feelings of past years on tour when my needs and requests for balance were being ignored. I was overworked and not taken seriously when I shared my pain and concern that something was wrong. I ultimately ended up injured on the Born This Way Ball. That moment and the memory of it has changed my life forever. The experience of performing night after night in mental and physical pain ingrained in me a trauma that I relive when I see or hear things that remind me of those days.

I also experience something called dissociation which means that my mind doesn’t want to relive the pain so “I look off and I stare” in a glazed over state. As my doctors have taught me, I cannot express my feelings because my pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that controls logical, orderly thought) is overridden by the amygdala (which stores emotional memory) and sends me into a fight or flight response.  My body is in one place and my mind in another. It’s like the panic accelerator in my mind gets stuck and I am paralyzed with fear.

When this happens I can’t talk. When this happens repeatedly, it makes me have a common PTSD reaction which is that I feel depressed and unable to function like I used to. It’s harder to do my job. It’s harder to do simple things like take a shower. Everything has become harder. Additionally, when I am unable to regulate my anxiety, it can result in somatization, which is pain in the body caused by an inability to express my emotional pain in words.

But I am a strong and powerful woman who is aware of the love I have around me from my team, my family and friends, my doctors and from my incredible fans who I know will never give up on me.  I will never give up on my dreams of art and music. I am continuing to learn how to transcend this because I know I can.  If you relate to what I am sharing, please know that you can too.

Traditionally, many associate PTSD as a condition faced by brave men and women that serve countries all over the world. While this is true, I seek to raise awareness that this mental illness affects all kinds of people, including our youth. I pledge not only to help our youth not feel ashamed of their own conditions, but also to lend support to those servicemen and women who suffer from PTSD. No one’s invisible pain should go unnoticed.

I am doing various modalities of psychotherapy and am on medicine prescribed by my psychiatrist.  However, I believe that the most inexpensive and perhaps the best medicine in the world is words. Kind words…positive words…words that help people who feel ashamed of an invisible illness to overcome their shame and feel free. This is how I and we can begin to heal. I am starting today, because secrets keep you sick. And I don’t want to keep this secret anymore.

A note from my psychologist, Dr. Nancy: ‘If you think you might have PTSD, please seek professional help. There is so much hope for recovery. Many people think that the event that stimulated PTSD needs to be the focus. Yet often, people will experience the same event and have completely different reactions to it. It is my opinion that trauma occurs in an environment where your feelings and emotional experience are not valued, heard and understood.  The specific event is not the cause of traumatic experience.  This lack of a “relational home” for feelings is the true cause of traumatic experience.

Finding support is key.

Click here or visit the National Institute for Mental Health for more information on PTSD in all its forms and where to find help. If you are in crisis now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8225)." 

5 Self-Care Tips When You're in Recovery

Editor's note: This is a guest post from writer and pastor Steve Austin. This post discusses themes of suicide, recovery and self care.

When the police and paramedics opened the door, they pushed through the lounger, the kitchen and coffee tables, and found my body there, in the hotel room. I was lying on my back, covered in vomit. There was vomit on the bed, on the floor, and it had projected up the wall behind me and covered a massive picture that hung behind the bed. Those who found me thought it was a murder scene. Apparently the pink Benadryl pills, along with the tens of thousands of other milligrams of prescriptions and over-the-counter medications I took, made it look like blood. They thought I was dead and I should have been. I wanted to be. I had been unconscious nearly twelve hours.

The one flash I have of coming to was being transferred by the medical personnel from the gurney to the hospital bed. Everything was colored white except the navy of the nurses scrubs. I'm assuming it was in the ER. I remember them cutting my clothes off and it was all like a nightmare. I couldn't respond but I remember them counting "1...2...3..." before lifting me up and over. And what emotion do I remember from that? Shame. Ashamed of being naked. I had never been more vulnerable.

I couldn’t process all of this in that brief moment, but here I was, a failed minister, an embarrassment to anyone who ever cared about me, and I couldn’t even get a suicide right. The same thing happened when the male nurse came in the next day and I woke up in one of those momentary fogs. I wasn't worried about the pain of him ripping out the catheter. I had experienced far greater pain. It was the shame attached to being naked and having my penis touched by another man. A stranger.

After three days in ICU, the doctors decided my liver wasn’t going to fail, and I had regained feeling in my legs. I was released from ICU and immediately transferred to the psych ward. The psych ward. Me. The former worship leader. The youth pastor. The Christian radio host. The blogger. The ministry school graduate. The father. The husband. The outgoing one. The friendly one. The upbeat one. Me. I was sitting in a wheelchair, headed to the psych ward. And I stayed there for several days.

Since those darkest days, I’ve fought really hard to recover and learn to practice self-care daily. Here’s 5 ways to practice self-care during recovery:

Focus only on things that make you better

Especially in the early days of recovery, there is so much I can’t control. But I can always control how I take care of myself. I can respect my limits, fight distraction, and focus on recovery.

Remember, you are more than just a diagnosis

Labels are important, especially from a medical standpoint. They give us a plan of action. They show us a lot about our limits. They teach us which medications may help and what substances or situations to stay away from. But when we focus more on the label than the person behind it, a human being in need of love and belonging, we miss the point. And we miss an opportunity to live a full and meaningful life.

Don’t forget: hard days don’t last forever

Sometimes hard days mean I take an extra five minutes on a lunch break to hide in the server room at work and take a few deep breaths. If necessary, I am also not afraid to take medicine my doctor has prescribed specifically for those moments, or even take a “mental health day.” I’m not an advocate of hiding under the covers, but I also believe in knowing yourself well enough to acknowledge your limits.

You don’t owe anyone an apology for your story

When others don’t understand recovery from abuse, addiction, or a suicide attempt, they can make comments that seem to have a hidden meaning. Sometimes it’s intentional and sometimes it’s just plain ignorance. Either way, those jabs bring on shame. If I feel like someone thinks I should have my life more together than I actually do, I feel a need to say I’m sorry. But I don’t owe anyone an apology for my recovery. I don’t have to feel bad for having a hard day.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries

What do you do with the people in your life you can’t easily push away? Those who are permanent fixtures, those whom have both hurt you and been hurt by you? Maybe it’s parents or old friends. In my life, the answer to that question looks like checking in with them on my terms. I set the pace of our relationship now.If you have ever felt hopeless, if you have ever believed all the bad things in your life were beyond redemption, if you have ever felt unworthy of being loved or accepted, if you have ever feared what would happen if people found out whatever it is that haunts you — I get it. I have been there, too. Maybe you are recovering from abuse, addiction or a suicide attempt like me. Maybe you are struggling with anxiety or depression and don’t know why yet. Learning great self-care tools will help you begin to answer the question, “Now what?” Recovery isn’t easy. Self-care makes it possible.