Liquid Courage and 'Hooking up' in SELF Magazine
In what feels like a lifetime ago, I was a national educator on sexual assault prevention. As a young man just out of college it was an incredibly challenging and rewarding job. I was able to speak to survivors, college students, military personnel and participate in research that helped reduce myths men have about sexual assault. I still think about the good work we did with the job. I’ve also given presentations and workshops on healthy consent in local high schools so these ideas and concepts are still very much important to me. Unfortunately, as a society we still have so much work to do in this area to help reduce sex-based violence.
Now as a full time mental health provider I continue to support people in their process of healing within my work even though it’s not an area of focus in my practice. I’m still passionate about the topics of sexual health, relational safety and gender based violence and advocate for survivors and healthy relationships.
One of the themes that often comes up within this kind of work is the connection between alcohol, consent and hooking up. Alcohol, while normalized culturally, complicates dynamics around consent, and how we come to understand how to have more enjoyable, satisfying romantic lives.
Recently, I was invited to add my thoughts on relational health, hooking up and alcohol for SELF magazine. If these topics are of interest to you, you can check out the article at the following link:
Enjoy!
The Ask a Therapist Podcast! with Myleik Teele of My Taught You
I recently had the chance to speak with Myleik Teele on her popular My Taught You podcast. We talk all things therapy and answer some listener questions about setting boundaries, practicing self-care and dealing with "situationships" (and why I feel strongly about that term). Give it a listen below!
An Extra Dose of Positivity via Love Has No Labels
Instead of sharing the post I had planned for today I want to take a departure from my normal writing just to share a little bit of feel good material to help you get through the week. With all the negativity and uncertainty in the world, I wanted to share something equally as powerful and meaningful.The following video was taped back on Valentine's Day 2015 by Love Has No Labels and really is just a representation of so many different types of love. The message of the video really resonated with me this week and I thought it would be great to share here as an extra dose of positivity and inspiration. If you're prone to feeling mushy like me, you may want to have a few tissues handy. Enjoy!
Fighting the Good Fight: How to Win Any Argument
Have you ever felt yourself getting pretty heated in a discussion with a colleague or loved one? There are a lot of hot topics in the world to go around: politics, racial issues, religion, etc. Even pop culture phenoms like Beyoncé, Kanye West or the Kardashians can end up being pretty contentious topics when you're sitting around breaking bread or enjoying a few cocktails. And sometimes having these provocative conversations can leave our partner or friend feeling a bit of ill-will or vice versa. But agreeing to disagree doesn't mean that you have to end a relationship altogether. Here are some helpful strategies to maintain your relationship during a heated discussion.
Implement The Basics
In any discussion between adults there should be some real basic ground rules no matter what the topic at hand is. Refrain from name-calling and raising your voice no matter how contentious the discussion gets. If you're goal is to get through the conversation at hand without damaging the relationship, following the golden rule of "treat others how you want to be treated" reigns supreme. Unfortunately, many couples find themselves traveling down a slippery slope of name calling and shouting which can lead to really hurtful words that you can never take back.
Will it matter a few days from now?
A friend of mine introduced me to this idea of asking yourself, "Will it matter a few days from now? What about a week from now?" as a good screening tool on whether or not to address certain issues in your relationship. I think this can also apply to these tough discussions we end up having with people in our lives. Imagine there's a conversation about how Pluto is no longer considered a planet, will bring right matter to you a week from now? If not, it's probably best to move on and limit your input in the conversation all together. However, if Pluto's planet status has some immediate relevance to your life's work, you may want to let yourself advocate for your position.
Winning & Losing
Whenever you get into some sort of heated discussion, at some point you're likely going to find you and your verbal sparring partner have somehow devolved into just talking in circles. When the conversation hits that wall it's important to stop and ask yourself,"Is winning this argument the most important thing right now?" If winning is what you're after, it might be time to pause and take a break. Unfortunately, if you're very competitive in nature, winning an argument might bode well for your self-esteem but not necessarily for the stability of your relationship.
Call a Time Out
Time outs aren't just helpful for misbehaving little kids and sports, they're good for really heated discussions too. When we are in the throes of a highly provocative conversation we may find ourselves being triggered and reminded of some past relationship issues or complicated deeper feelings.When you find that your body gets more and more tense and you're unable to maintain that relaxed-assertive stance, it's best to put the conversation to rest. If the issue is something that's destined to linger between friends or in your relationship, then pick it back up later when you're feeling a bit more balanced and rational. Taking a break will do wonders in maintaining the health of your relationship.
It can be incredibly difficult to maintain your cool once you find yourself in a heated discussion that you're extremely passionate about. But, sometimes we can't get too passionate in these moments and lose sight of the bigger picture; that we have a relationship that we would like to hold on to. With these few tips, I hope that you see that there is a way to win in every argument because ultimately it's about being able to foster a relationship that tolerates healthy disagreement rather than just being right. If you choose to honor the relationship between you and your conversation partner above all else, you will win every argument, guaranteed.
Everyone Can Benefit from Therapy
Traditionally, mental health counseling or therapy has focused on illness. Today, many professionals (including myself) see therapy and counseling as extremely beneficial for people who would not fall under the traditional medical model of being "disordered".We all know that life stressors and difficult circumstances are not unique to any one person or group of people. Many people have struggled with depressive symptoms at least once in their life even if they may not have met the diagnostic criteria for a condition like Major Depressive Disorder. While therapy can be extremely beneficial for people who require professional support, therapy can also be helpful if you agree with any of the following statements:
I want more out of life.
I'm unsatisfied with my career and unsure what next steps to take.
Sometimes it's hard to speak to my partner about how I'm feeling.
My relationship is in trouble and I'm considering ending it.
I want more joy and peace in life.
Sometimes I feel confused about who I am or where I'm headed in life.
I've been having a hard time following the death of a loved one.
I want to understand myself better to help improve my relationships.
These statements in and of themselves are not indicators that one is suffering from some mental health condition. But if any of these resonated with you and the support you have been receiving from friends and loved ones isn't producing the results that you want, then it may be time to seek out a therapist who can help you explore options for a more fulfilling quality of life.Everyone can benefit from therapy. A good therapist can help you explore some of the concerns listed above in a supportive and safe environment that's designed to meet your unique needs and goals. If this sort of personal development interests you, take some time to do an internet search for therapists in your area who can meet with you personally and collaborate with you on your next steps.