Let's Play a Game: S&M and Kinky Sex Play The Right Way
It is estimated that somewhere between 5 to 10% of U.S. adults engage in S&M annually (June M. Reinisch, Ph.D. with Ruth Beasley, M.L.S (1990). But can s&m in the bedroom be harmful? The short answer is, "Yes." The longer answer? Maybe.
First, let's discuss what S&M actually means. Sadomasochism is generally defined as sexual behavior that involves getting pleasure from causing or feeling pain. When practiced by consenting partners, s&m or sex play can be enjoyable and pleasurable for all parties involved. With the popularization of the Fifty Shades of Grey novels and the upcoming film release coming up this Friday (note I have not read the novels or plan to see the film), I thought that s&m or kinky sex play might be important to address as people around America may be asking themselves, "Is it OK that I like this?"
S&M behavior in and of itself is not problem behavior if it exists between two (or more) consenting adults. For centuries people have engaged in some pretty kinky stuff. I like to think of "kinky" sex as existing on a continuum that ranges from the pretty benign (like pinching, light spanking, etc.) all the way to things like controlled asphyxiation, blood-letting and more.In great measure, the normalcy of these behaviors is largely determined by one's cultural experience, however marked distress or discomfort with one's sexual desires may be an indication that the support of a mental health counselor might be helpful. It should also be noted that healthy, kinky sex can only occur among consenting adults. Moreover, I like this quote from Dr. Chris Donaghue, a certified sex therapist and sexuality expert, from a thread on his Facebook page:
I practice from a paradigm of "benign sexual variance" which demonstrates how what's "sexual" is neutral and impact is contextual. Rape and abuse are about lack of empathy, boundaries, impulse control etc...Healthy sex does not leave individuals feeling diminished and abused (unless that is a "chosen" component and therefore consented and conscious and part of arousal).
If you choose to engage in s&m (or sadomasochism) as part of your sex play be sure to:
Play with someone you trust who knows your likes, dislikes and comfort levels.
Have a safe word or designated safe behavior mutually agreed upon before engaging in kinky sex for all parties involved.
Discuss strict boundaries and rules beforehand. This can prevent unintentional injury, uncomfortable feelings or worse. Some cases of S&M sex play have even led to accidental death.
My sex positive view is, if you're going to engage in kinky sex, be sure to talk to your partner(s). If you're unsure if your thoughts or behavior are healthy or not, consult with a local mental health professional for ongoing support.Play safe and be healthy!
Interested in more reading on this topic? Check out the articles below:
Everyone Can Benefit from Therapy
Traditionally, mental health counseling or therapy has focused on illness. Today, many professionals (including myself) see therapy and counseling as extremely beneficial for people who would not fall under the traditional medical model of being "disordered".We all know that life stressors and difficult circumstances are not unique to any one person or group of people. Many people have struggled with depressive symptoms at least once in their life even if they may not have met the diagnostic criteria for a condition like Major Depressive Disorder. While therapy can be extremely beneficial for people who require professional support, therapy can also be helpful if you agree with any of the following statements:
I want more out of life.
I'm unsatisfied with my career and unsure what next steps to take.
Sometimes it's hard to speak to my partner about how I'm feeling.
My relationship is in trouble and I'm considering ending it.
I want more joy and peace in life.
Sometimes I feel confused about who I am or where I'm headed in life.
I've been having a hard time following the death of a loved one.
I want to understand myself better to help improve my relationships.
These statements in and of themselves are not indicators that one is suffering from some mental health condition. But if any of these resonated with you and the support you have been receiving from friends and loved ones isn't producing the results that you want, then it may be time to seek out a therapist who can help you explore options for a more fulfilling quality of life.Everyone can benefit from therapy. A good therapist can help you explore some of the concerns listed above in a supportive and safe environment that's designed to meet your unique needs and goals. If this sort of personal development interests you, take some time to do an internet search for therapists in your area who can meet with you personally and collaborate with you on your next steps.
App Spotlight: CouplesCom
CouplesCom app
In this series of posts called App Spotlight, I'll cover mobile apps that are related to mental health, wellness and healthy relationships. Today's post features CouplesCom.Many couples seek out a therapist to help them improve their way of communicating with one another. Today's featured app, CouplesCom seeks to provide a mobile solution that helps couples work together to create a healthy dialogue about their biggest concerns and issues.According to the product website, CouplesCom:
works a bit like text messaging but guides you through a set process involving active listening, validation and empathy.
Once a couple signs up for the app, they can use it to express their feelings, request changes in their partner's behavior and then provide feedback following the requested action.For couples who may have a hard time communicating effectively I see the potential helpfulness of an app like CouplesCom. It might be especially useful for couples who may be required by circumstances to spend significant time a part. That being said, there is no substitute for the support of a licensed professional. However, CouplesCom could prove to be a useful addition to traditional couples therapy, providing hard data on what happens between sessions.
You can view more about CouplesCom at their app website.
*No application is an adequate substitute for support from a trained and licensed mental health professional. Please use with discretion.
6 Signs it's time to See a Therapist
Some people think it may be obvious when someone needs extra support in terms of therapy or professional counseling, but sometimes it isn't always so clear. Below are a list of signs that may indicate it might be time to pick up the phone and call a local therapist:
Your loved one suggests it
Loved ones or family members can be crucial in helping their loved one get the support they need. Others perspectives of us can be very helpful in identifying patterns of behavior or other issues that we may not be seeing ourselves. If you're a loved one and want to speak to your partner, friend or family member about seeking professional counseling, be sure to speak from a place of concern and use "I statements" to help soften the blow. Hearing that kind of feedback can be tough so always try to take a sympathetic stance when expressing your concerns.
You find yourself more forgetful or confused
When faced with extreme stress, depression or a host of other circumstances, frequent forgetfulness and confusion are indicators that there may be too much going on for you at the moment. This could come in the form of forgetting to pick up your kids from school or something as small as not remembering the items you needed to pick up at the grocery store. If you find yourself routinely falling into this new pattern, then it might be time to get some help.
You're having problems at work
Have you recently been written up after being thought of as a "good employee"? Do you find yourself unmotivated to complete your assigned tasks? Do you keep missing deadlines? All of these are indications that your circumstances might be getting the best of you.
Your relationships are suffering
If you find yourself arguing with your partner more often or feeling disconnected from your children or family, then it might be time to speak to a professional. If you're single, are you unhappy with your dating or sexual life? Then it might be time to get help. A professional can lend a supportive ear and help guide you in creating better relationships or maintaining those you wish to hold on to. Working with a therapist can help you explore your behaviors, patterns and come up with concrete strategies that you can try to take an empowered approach to your relationships.
Your finances are off
If you're having trouble managing your money suddenly, then therapy might be a good fit. Are you gambling money away or racking up credit card debt due to shopping sprees here and there? Are you not paying your rent or mortgage on time? These are serious signs that you may need the support of a professional to help you manage before things really get out of control.
You don't feel well
You are the expert of your own mind and body. If you find yourself feeling "off" lately, then therapy is likely a good fit for you. Everything from ongoing fatigue to excessive worry and feeling "stuck" are all good indicators that a new intervention is needed. It might be time to switch it up! Find a therapist who can help guide you into a new way of being.
While this is not an exhaustive list by any means, I hope this list has armed you with the knowledge of some of the indicators that counseling or therapy might be a good fit for you. Counseling isn't just reserved for extreme situations or illnesses, it can be helpful to all of us. There's no shame in reaching out and getting some extra support as you work through some of life's challenges. We all need that from time to time. And you never know, it may turn out to be the best decision you've ever made for yourself.
Contact Viva if you are interested in getting started with therapy.
Intimate Partner Violence in LGBTQ Relationships
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and as we enter the middle of the month, I want to take a moment to address an issue that is often overlooked; intimate partner violence in LGBTQ relationships.
Traditionally when people discuss the impact and dynamics in domestically violent (DV) relationships they most often assume that the victim is a woman and the perpetrator a male. Obviously this discounts the experience of many people across the country and world who identify as LGBT or are male victims of intimate partner violence (IPV).Intimate partner violence can occur in the context of any relationship pairing, although with the recent incident involving NFL player Ray Rice attacking his then fiance, the media would lead you to believe that only large football players exercise this type of violence against their female partners.
Violence and coercion can exist in any relationship whether that is a same-sex pairing or not. Recent statistics even suggest that rates of intimate partner violence among LGBTQ people are similar to that of heterosexual couples. A recent study by the University of New Hampshire found that as many as 40% of LGBTQ students in relationships had experienced intimate partner violence. The dynamics of intimate partner violence among LGBTQ people, however, can differ greatly.
First take a look at this Power & Control Wheel which is widely accepted and used in the social sciences field to educate people about the dynamics of domestic violence in relationships: Does anything stand out to you?
You may notice the gendered language and the assumption that the perpetrator is always male (and the victim female). This old-fashioned way of looking at domestic violence ignores the fact that women can also be perpetrators of violence and use emotional coercion to control and intimidate partners.
Now, take a look at the following image describing the dynamics of domestic violence in LGBTQ relationships:
LGBT Power and Control Wheel
Do you notice the differences? Not only is the language gender neutral but the actual acts of control and dynamics of power differ greatly. While some acts overlap between the traditional model and the LGBTQ model, you see that the LGBTQ model also includes acts specific to queer relationships.For example, you may have noticed the threat of "outing" a partner to friends, families or coworkers as well as the use of homophobia, biphobia or transphobia to control and manipulate a partner.
While the specific dynamics may differ between LGBTQ and heterosexual couples, the one constant is that one partner continuously exerts power and control over their partner by the use of emotional and/or physical abuse. This is an obviously dangerous relationship to be in and certainly no way to live.
Often times, the threat of serious harm is not only great during the relationship but is usually at its peak right after the termination of the relationship. Safety planning and serious support is likely needed to help a friend or loved one move on from an abusive relationship, and leaving should not be taken lightly.
If you or a friend are currently concerned about your relationship, contact a local therapist or community agency to get the discrete support you need. For more information on intimate partner violence and resources please contact the National Domestic Violence at 1-800-799-7233 or visit their website here.