An Extra Dose of Positivity via Love Has No Labels
Instead of sharing the post I had planned for today I want to take a departure from my normal writing just to share a little bit of feel good material to help you get through the week. With all the negativity and uncertainty in the world, I wanted to share something equally as powerful and meaningful.The following video was taped back on Valentine's Day 2015 by Love Has No Labels and really is just a representation of so many different types of love. The message of the video really resonated with me this week and I thought it would be great to share here as an extra dose of positivity and inspiration. If you're prone to feeling mushy like me, you may want to have a few tissues handy. Enjoy!
Fighting the Good Fight: How to Win Any Argument
Have you ever felt yourself getting pretty heated in a discussion with a colleague or loved one? There are a lot of hot topics in the world to go around: politics, racial issues, religion, etc. Even pop culture phenoms like Beyoncé, Kanye West or the Kardashians can end up being pretty contentious topics when you're sitting around breaking bread or enjoying a few cocktails. And sometimes having these provocative conversations can leave our partner or friend feeling a bit of ill-will or vice versa. But agreeing to disagree doesn't mean that you have to end a relationship altogether. Here are some helpful strategies to maintain your relationship during a heated discussion.
Implement The Basics
In any discussion between adults there should be some real basic ground rules no matter what the topic at hand is. Refrain from name-calling and raising your voice no matter how contentious the discussion gets. If you're goal is to get through the conversation at hand without damaging the relationship, following the golden rule of "treat others how you want to be treated" reigns supreme. Unfortunately, many couples find themselves traveling down a slippery slope of name calling and shouting which can lead to really hurtful words that you can never take back.
Will it matter a few days from now?
A friend of mine introduced me to this idea of asking yourself, "Will it matter a few days from now? What about a week from now?" as a good screening tool on whether or not to address certain issues in your relationship. I think this can also apply to these tough discussions we end up having with people in our lives. Imagine there's a conversation about how Pluto is no longer considered a planet, will bring right matter to you a week from now? If not, it's probably best to move on and limit your input in the conversation all together. However, if Pluto's planet status has some immediate relevance to your life's work, you may want to let yourself advocate for your position.
Winning & Losing
Whenever you get into some sort of heated discussion, at some point you're likely going to find you and your verbal sparring partner have somehow devolved into just talking in circles. When the conversation hits that wall it's important to stop and ask yourself,"Is winning this argument the most important thing right now?" If winning is what you're after, it might be time to pause and take a break. Unfortunately, if you're very competitive in nature, winning an argument might bode well for your self-esteem but not necessarily for the stability of your relationship.
Call a Time Out
Time outs aren't just helpful for misbehaving little kids and sports, they're good for really heated discussions too. When we are in the throes of a highly provocative conversation we may find ourselves being triggered and reminded of some past relationship issues or complicated deeper feelings.When you find that your body gets more and more tense and you're unable to maintain that relaxed-assertive stance, it's best to put the conversation to rest. If the issue is something that's destined to linger between friends or in your relationship, then pick it back up later when you're feeling a bit more balanced and rational. Taking a break will do wonders in maintaining the health of your relationship.
It can be incredibly difficult to maintain your cool once you find yourself in a heated discussion that you're extremely passionate about. But, sometimes we can't get too passionate in these moments and lose sight of the bigger picture; that we have a relationship that we would like to hold on to. With these few tips, I hope that you see that there is a way to win in every argument because ultimately it's about being able to foster a relationship that tolerates healthy disagreement rather than just being right. If you choose to honor the relationship between you and your conversation partner above all else, you will win every argument, guaranteed.
7 Ways to Recognize Mental Health Relapse
Living with a mental illness can be very difficult. Once you've experienced a hospitilization or sought out the expertise of a mental health professional and recovered, it's important to recognize the signs that the negative impact of your illness may be returning. This is a concept that we call relapse.
Like someone who is addicted to alcohol or someone who has battled a chronic condition like cancer, a mental health diagnosis can change your perspective on your ability to be "healed" or live a happy and productive life. The honest truth is, you can be satisfied, happy and fulfilled even if you have been previously diagnosed with a mental illness. There's just one trick...It requires hard work.That is over-simplifying recovery a bit and I would remiss not to mention that there are plenty of barriers for a lot of folks out there in seeking mental health care (cost, cultural factors, time, etc.). But those barriers aside, recovery and maintaining optimal mental wellness requires significant hard work and commitment. That's one reason why I have such admiration and respect for my clients as therapy or personal development is not an easy process. To use a running analogy, mental wellness should be thought of as training for a mental marathon. Both take a considerable amount of time, dedication, likely some discomfort or pain and leave you with a great sense of accomplishment and achievement.
A relapse can occur after extremely stressful events or exposure to particularly strong triggers of your past issues.
Relapse is loosely defined as a period when previous symptoms return or the symptoms of your illness worsen. Self awareness is key here, along with the observations of a third party, like a professional mental health counselor.
Here are some warning signs that you may be experiencing a mental health relapse:
A drastic change in energy levels
Fatigue
Increased irritabitliy, anger of frustration
Not properly maintaining a clean and organized living space
Not grooming yourself as you normally would (ex. bathing, shaving, putting on makeup, etc.)
Difficulty concentrating or focusing on tasks
Loved one's reports that your behavior has changed
Relapse is a common experience for people who have battled emotional issues. There is no shame in acknowledging that symptoms may have re-emerged or worsened. Reach out. Engage your therapist, psychiatrist or loved ones at the first signs of trouble so that you can get the help you need. There is no shame in relapse. It is often a part of the process of recovery and can also present an opportunity to develop even deeper understanding, meaning and new ways to cope.
Let's Play a Game: S&M and Kinky Sex Play The Right Way
It is estimated that somewhere between 5 to 10% of U.S. adults engage in S&M annually (June M. Reinisch, Ph.D. with Ruth Beasley, M.L.S (1990). But can s&m in the bedroom be harmful? The short answer is, "Yes." The longer answer? Maybe.
First, let's discuss what S&M actually means. Sadomasochism is generally defined as sexual behavior that involves getting pleasure from causing or feeling pain. When practiced by consenting partners, s&m or sex play can be enjoyable and pleasurable for all parties involved. With the popularization of the Fifty Shades of Grey novels and the upcoming film release coming up this Friday (note I have not read the novels or plan to see the film), I thought that s&m or kinky sex play might be important to address as people around America may be asking themselves, "Is it OK that I like this?"
S&M behavior in and of itself is not problem behavior if it exists between two (or more) consenting adults. For centuries people have engaged in some pretty kinky stuff. I like to think of "kinky" sex as existing on a continuum that ranges from the pretty benign (like pinching, light spanking, etc.) all the way to things like controlled asphyxiation, blood-letting and more.In great measure, the normalcy of these behaviors is largely determined by one's cultural experience, however marked distress or discomfort with one's sexual desires may be an indication that the support of a mental health counselor might be helpful. It should also be noted that healthy, kinky sex can only occur among consenting adults. Moreover, I like this quote from Dr. Chris Donaghue, a certified sex therapist and sexuality expert, from a thread on his Facebook page:
I practice from a paradigm of "benign sexual variance" which demonstrates how what's "sexual" is neutral and impact is contextual. Rape and abuse are about lack of empathy, boundaries, impulse control etc...Healthy sex does not leave individuals feeling diminished and abused (unless that is a "chosen" component and therefore consented and conscious and part of arousal).
If you choose to engage in s&m (or sadomasochism) as part of your sex play be sure to:
Play with someone you trust who knows your likes, dislikes and comfort levels.
Have a safe word or designated safe behavior mutually agreed upon before engaging in kinky sex for all parties involved.
Discuss strict boundaries and rules beforehand. This can prevent unintentional injury, uncomfortable feelings or worse. Some cases of S&M sex play have even led to accidental death.
My sex positive view is, if you're going to engage in kinky sex, be sure to talk to your partner(s). If you're unsure if your thoughts or behavior are healthy or not, consult with a local mental health professional for ongoing support.Play safe and be healthy!
Interested in more reading on this topic? Check out the articles below:
Shedding Light on Suicide: Building Hope and Sharing Resources
Almost 30,000 people in the United States commit suicide each year. Unfortunately, people with serious mental health conditions resort to suicide often as a way to alleviate crippling emotional pain. If you are struggling with thoughts of death and suicidal thoughts, here are some tips that may help:
1. Help is only a click (or phone call) away.
There are many local and national helplines that can help you if you are having suicidal thoughts. First off, if you feel danger is imminent 911 is the best resource. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 is a great resource that will help link you with local resources no matter where you live in the United States. Those local in New York City can call Lifenet that offers both English (1-800-LIFENET) and Spanish (1-877-298-3373) support lines. LGBT specific helpline support is available via The Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386. And if you identify as a member of the trans community, there is another great resource called the Trans Lifeline that can be reached at 877-565-8860 in the United States and 877-330-6366 in Canada.
2. Stay the course.
If you have been prescribed medications for mental health conditions like depression, then continue to take them. Do not stop any prescribed medications unless otherwise directed to by a physician or psychiatrist. If you feel like these medications are posing some risk to you or have unbearable side effects, contact your prescriber immediately or visit a local emergency room if you feel that need is urgent.
3. Seek out professional, ongoing support.
Continue to utilize therapy or find ongoing support from a therapist. Suicidal thoughts can be very difficult to deal with, especially alone. Seek out a professional, licensed therapist to help you work through your immediate feelings and develop a plan that helps you battle your thoughts and move toward a healthier and more satisfied life. This professional can also provide ongoing support to help you work through any underlying issues or concerns you may be having.
4. Remind yourself your are not alone.
Suicidal thoughts can be very isolating and it's very difficult to share with others what you may be experiencing internally, especially if there is outside pressure to be happy or to act a certain way, which is common in many cultures. In those dark moments, gently remind yourself that many others have thoughts of suicide and there is hope for you. There is another way to get through the pain.For more information about suicide prevention please consult with any of the resources linked above. Also, the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention has a great FAQ page if you or a loved one are experiencing thoughts of suicide.